Rose Croft, Brentwood - 21st Feb. 1972

Dear Brenda and Brenda? S'funnie ! at Manchester in my class as a perculier girl called Brenda Balls who did paintings of men's parts. She used to go down to the hospital where they have things preserved in spirit bottles and did drawings, still lifes you could say! yerk! She also slept at dinner time in the box the nudes sat on! Thinking back she wasn't the only "weirdo" there, not counting me of course. Did you ever get that Scottish postcard I sent with the old stamp on it? That funny chap in disguise was Alan Ladd - your Mother wins this weeks star prize, a life size model of Nicholas Parsons! OooooH! Fascinatin' Yeah he was a gas man! When I seed him at Chelsea last year. I only saw a couple of episodes though as it was on so late ( after my beddy-bye time ) The woods smilin' at me with 'ez bubblin' sap eyes" Got a charred hairdo and a long sap nose! But he spat out a spark and set fire to my loon pants, the burnin' berk! Flamin' side burns too! I got a letter and tape of the latest Captain Carrot album from Barry Cheery today. He says he's got tickets for that I.S.B. concert next Monday, that's good. He's gonna get some for the Magic Captain Albert Higginbottom concert too. If yer wanna go and boogerloo you'd better tell him heap plenty quick! Savey? It was nice of you both to save me from the television and blackouts on Saturday. Too bad somebody didn't rescue me last night from the dreaded John wayne film! Urgh! Wot I need is a tripewriter to type on. I used to tripe in Manc. but now I haven't even a John Bull printing set or a Dan Dare ray gun! Woe is a me bop! Where did I go rong? ( Shlupp! Sound of self inflicted slap across face. Pull yourself together man!) "Bilge pump!" I said curly. The Department of Employment and productivity says "If you go in Eddies room and get his heater, you can bring it in here and we'll be alike a bake house in no time. But when people come home in dribs and drabs they come in to get warm and never go! So say Bill as he dresses up in his fighter pilot clobber to go scare the Hun down the Ongar Road on his tripod. The police stopped him last night and asked for his license etc. Of course he hadn't got it and the tripod is in Lynne's name. Bill was upset and threatened to do away with himself. MORE NEXT WEEK! Did you know that Engelbert Humperdink spelled backwards is Nicholas Parsons? A oes gennych chwi lyfrau newyddion? I am still reading Gunter Grasses intreegin' noville. A also have a book of "Outdoor Stories"! Yuckaboo! There is a power cut now so I can't play any moosic and see what I am writing of! So I'd better stop now before I go blind. JIMMY RIDDLE - Q. If you get up froma donkey, what is it that you get down from? A. A goose.