Post ,up the creek without a paddle

How simple it used to be in the good old days when the post was delivered by the same postie at exactly 7a.m. every morning (give or take a few minutes). Now, alas, with the new super improved mail upgrade we get the post delivered at any time between noon and 5.p.m by a motley group of ever changing deviant postmen on uni-cycles, bath chairs, roller skates, invalid carriages, Reliant Robins, flying bedsteads and diving suits. Letters are crammed through the letter slit with steel toe capped boots, fire tongs, jack hammers and boxing gloves. The mail is broken and bent, bruised and stained, hopelessly lost and mis-directed, covered in jam and put through shredders, violated in many horrible and disgusting ways.
Thank you so much the Royal Mail for improving things so wonderfully!